After All
by Gaudior
Summary: A conversation between Willow and Buffy about surviving Season Six.


Disclaimer: I don't own them. Joss Whedon owns them. But he doesn't do everything with them he could.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Hey.  
  
...hey.  
  
Are you -- no, I'm sorry, that's a really stupid question, isn't it?  
  
I'm okay... No. I'm not okay.  
  
Is there...?  
  
No, I'm just...  
  
Shhh. Shhhh. It'll be okay.  
  
No...  
  
....  
  
....  
  
Is that...  
  
No. Not any better. Just done crying. For now.   
  
You want something to eat?... Will, it's been a week.  
  
M not hungry.  
  
You have to--  
  
I'm. NOT. Hungry.  
  
Okay.  
  
I'm sorry.  
  
It's fine.   
  
I just... I just wanna stay here for a while.  
  
Sure... No, not sure. How long is a while?  
  
A while.  
  
The rest of your life?  
  
That compassion thing? You're not doing it very well.  
  
I'm sorry, there's this not wanting my best friend to waste away and die thing that's getting in the way.  
  
Join the damn club. ... Buffy?  
  
Yeah?  
  
I'm still your best friend?  
  
...Yeah. You are.   
  
I-- I tried to kill you.  
  
You were out of you mind, Will.  
  
... I guess.  
  
That wasn't you.  
  
Then who was it?  
  
...  
  
Maybe it's good that she's... that she never saw. Who I really was.   
  
I think she saw who you really were better than you do.  
  
Buffy, quit acting like you're not mad at me!  
  
Why?   
  
Because I tried to destroy the WORLD, Buffy. I tried to kill you. I tried to kill DAWN. And Giles, and Xander. And you're all acting like I was possessed or something, but I WASN'T. That was ME. All me. And you're just... acting like... like I'm sick. Like I didn't do anything wrong. Except you're not. Because you don't know what to say to me.   
  
Will...  
  
What?   
  
....  
  
See?  
  
Willow, you were grieving. Your lover had just...  
  
You didn't try to destroy the world when Angel died. You _killed_ Angel. And you didn't... Giles didn't even kill Angel, after he killed Ms. Calender. It's not an EXCUSE. It's not OKAY. You keep trying to act like it's okay.   
  
Don't forgive you...  
  
No. Don't. Stop.  
  
Really?  
  
(more tears, harder.)  
  
... I have to forgive you, Will. I am... I was mad, but... I love you. I... needed that. Kick in the pants. To get me back to... life. You know, a month before that, I would have been glad if you'd destroyed the world? Or at least, I thought I would have... I guess... I sort of get it. Wanting everything to... go away. Wanting to not have to be in your own head any more. Maybe-- if I'd had the power-- I would have tried to destroy the world, too, so I wouldn't have to live in it.  
  
You did.   
  
With the demon. And the duct tape.... yeah. I did. So I know, I guess. So... no. I'm not mad. I was, but... I get it. I think.   
  
That doesn't make it any better. That you can do it, too. It just means-- that everything's turned out dark. That we're all-- not what I thought we were.   
  
We're still the same people.  
  
The same people aren't as good as I thought we were.   
  
... But we're still here.   
  
I KNOW that.  
  
And we still have work to do.  
  
I hate it. I don't want to do anything. I just want her BACK...  
  
Hey. Easy. Hey.  
  
....  
.....  
....  
  
Willow?  
  
....  
  
I've been meaning to... you know she's happy now, right? Where she is?  
  
... She thought she wouldn't go to Heaven.  
  
What?  
  
Her father. Always told her she was a demon. That she'd go to Hell, when she died, if she didn't do what he said. Probably even if she did.   
  
That's NOT TRUE. She was... better than any of us.   
  
I thought she was. But she...  
  
She did. She's there now. And she's... okay. She's safe. And warm. And loved-- she's happy.  
  
....  
  
What?  
  
Without me...  
  
Oh, Will... it's not like that. There's not really... time, there. She'll see you soon-- it's like she's seeing you already, sort of. She knows you'll be okay.   
  
What if I WON'T be okay? Buffy, I tried to destroy the WORLD. You don't get into Heaven after you do that. That's a sin thing. If that's what I do-- I'll never see her again. I'll go to Hell, and I'll never see her again.  
  
But you're not going to do it again.  
  
How do you KNOW that?  
  
Because you... well, you burned out your magic. Right?  
  
...yeah. Power's gone.   
  
So you can't.  
  
But what does it matter if I can't if I want to?  
  
Willow...  
  
I don't want to go to Hell, Buffy. Jews don't have a Hell. And Wiccans don't, either. But it exists, whether I believe in it or not, and I'm SCARED.   
  
Willow, listen to me. You won't go to Hell. You made a mistake.  
  
I ACCIDENTALLY tried to kill everyone. Great. All better now.  
  
You WON'T go to Hell.  
  
What if I SHOULD? I still don't want to, but what if I should? If I had... killed Xander, then, I should have. Someone who could do that... should.  
  
You didn't, though.  
  
I couldn't.  
  
Because you're not really the kind of person who could do that.  
  
Because the power Giles fed me had him in it. And he's not the kind of person who could. I don't know-- if it were just me? I don't know. I don't.   
  
Do you WANT to be the kind of person who would destroy the world?  
  
No!  
  
Then you're not.  
  
It's NOT THAT EASY, Buffy. I'm still... scared, and sad, and I don't want... anything. You can't say anything to make it better. There's too much of it. I don't know what to do.  
  
... Live.  
  
I don't want to.  
  
You have to. It's the only way... through it. It's impossible, to deal with-- so you just have to live with it.  
  
I can't. I don't want to.  
  
Tara would want you to.   
  
She lost her vote.   
  
.  
  
Ow! Buffy! What--?  
  
Idiot! She was worth dying for, but she's not worth living for?  
  
I MISS her!  
  
Yeah.  
  
I miss her... I want her back... I want her to come back.  
  
She can't. But she still loves you.  
  
Then why did she leave me?  
  
She had to.   
  
I don't want to be without her.  
  
You're not. She's watching you.   
  
Then I'm making her unhappy.  
  
You can't, where she is. But she's watching.   
  
Did... did you watch us? Watch me?  
  
Yeah.  
  
And you saw... and you weren't upset?  
  
I knew you'd be okay. In the end.   
  
We AREN'T.  
  
It's not the end.  
  
I want it to be...  
  
Are you sure?  
  
...  
  
Live for her. If you can't live for you. Or me. Or Xander.  
  
I want it to stop hurting.  
  
Live. It... won't stop, completely. But you'll be able to feel other things. Besides hurt.  
  
Buffy...  
  
Live.  
  
...   
  
Soup?  
  
...Not split pea.  
  
Not a pea in sight. Come on.  
  
... okay.  
  
Okay.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
